


Full Circle

by hystericalselcouth



Series: Keep The Secret [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Comfort/Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-29
Updated: 2015-04-16
Packaged: 2018-03-20 04:20:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3636492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hystericalselcouth/pseuds/hystericalselcouth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sirius Black, who now lay unmoving on the white hospital bed, eyes closed and a tube nestled into his nose. <br/>Sirius Black, whose complexion was an ashen grey. <br/>Sirius Black, who will never be the same again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own anything, I make no profits.  
> TRIGGERING, TURN AROUND NOW.  
> Title is from Half Moon Run's song 'Full Circle.'

"Sirius!" cried James.

Sirius had fallen to the floor, motionless. The Death Eaters had vanished and James and Lily rushed towards his limp body.

"Sirius, man, Sirius!" James shook Sirius violently. Sirius's skin grew pale and sweat trickled down his forehead.

"James, calm down! We need to get him inside. Go, get Dumbledore."

Lily knew it would only get worse if James stayed there with them. She took Sirius to his room in the house and started to work on him.

James burst through the door.

"How is he?"

"James, go to the kitchen and get water and cloth."

James obliged, anything to keep him away from Sirius. Lily loosened Sirius's clothes and wet his lips with brandy.

"Lily, please, will he be okay?"

"Just go and wait for Dumbledore."

 

 

He sat there, staring at the pale, fragile figure of Sirius Black.

Sirius Black, who now lay unmoving on the white hospital bed, eyes closed and a tube nestled into his nose. Sirius Black, whose complexion was an ashen grey.

Sirius Black, who will never be the same again.

They had told James it might take a few days, it was only the third and they had to wait some more.

 

Sirius blinked his eyes open. Everything was blurry, patches of light and dark. At first, he thought he was swimming in a void of emptiness, with no sensation at all. Then, like a ton of bricks, the ache and exhaustion fell all at once. All he could do was groan. He felt his eyelids grow heavy and was ready to give in to exhaustion. Except, a strong, familiar voice called out to him.

“Sirius! Sirius! Stay with me! Lily! Go, call the nurse! Stay with me, mate, you’re all right, just stay with me.”

Sirius groaned again. For some reason, he didn’t feel strong enough to keep up with James. Instead, he willingly submitted himself to the calling darkness.

The next time he woke, he felt much worse. Without opening his eyes, he groaned from pain and tiredness. There was a flurry of cloth and paper. He heard James again.

“Hey,” came his soft welcome.

Sirius tried to open his eyes and reply, but only managed a groan, more weakly, this time.

“It’s okay, go back to sleep, take your time, mate.”

And so, he did, succumbing to sleep once more.

Sirius awoke to hushed mumbling.

“He’s coming around, he should be fairly lucid this time.”

He found the need to make a reply and croaked, “You think?”, although it was more of dry, husky syllables than one of his best quips.

Cracking his eyes open, he was welcomed to the living world by a beaming smile on James’s face, which was slowly forming words.

“And to think I had missed you.”

James’s sarcasm didn’t work out quite as well as it usually did, perhaps one of the few rare times, as the sheer joy of seeing his best friend awaken overshadowed everything else. Sirius’s eyes drifted shut as his head started to spin, the room of white tilting continuously in an everlasting incline. James’s face grew worried when Sirius did not respond to his calling. After a few moments of Sirius’s stillness, he was about to go call the others when Remus and Lily stumbled into the room. That seemed to rouse James from his stupor and frowning at Sirius’s pale face, James asked, “What is it? Are you in pain? Will a pa-”

“Fuckin’ dizzy,” Sirius mumbled.

“Oh,” was James’s reply, “well, how dizzy are you?”

“Fuckin’ dizzy,” Sirius’s eyes remained shut.

“How’s he doing?” Remus asked, pulling a chair up to the bed noiselessly.

“Fuckin’ dizzy,” replied James earnestly.

A small smile crept up Sirius’s lips, although drawn tight with pain. Lily’s voice floated through the sludge in Sirius’s head.

“I’ll tell poppy that he’s awake.”

He found himself being raised up by strong arms. Engulfed by the relief of smooth, cold water, Sirius felt a little bit stronger and tried to open his eyes. Through the blurry haze he saw the scarred, tired face of Remus Lupin.

“Hey,” was his warm, comforting greeting.

“Hey,” Sirius managed to croak as he ran his tongue over his fast-drying lips.

A rustle of cloth made Sirius move his line of vision to the image of Poppy Pomfrey.

“How do you feel, Mr. Black?”

“Not as bad as in year three, Madam Pomfrey,” he managed to slur out.

He swore he could have heard, as tired as he was, James grumble about not being treated properly and friendship not being valued enough. “Typical James,” thought Sirius to himself with a chuckle.

“What is the last thing you remember?”

Sirius’s brow crunched up, trying to pull out bits of scattered information.

“Erm…Bella….green…Harry..Harry! Harry! James!” Sirius now attempted to rise, only to be held back firmly, “James! Are the kids alright? They should never have-”

“Sirius! Calm down! All the kids are alright. You’ve been out for days, mate. Neville is staying with Harry at Grimmauld Place, Alice is with them..”

Exhausted, Sirius sank back into the pillows, allowing a wave of relief to wash over him. He felt his hand being taken by a soft, learned one, and heard Poppy ask, “Sirius, I need you to squeeze my hand for me, can you do that?”

Sirius, nodded weakly and close his eyes in the effort to do so. With dismay, James saw Sirius’s fingers twitch and curl inwards, even though his friend paled visibly in the effort to do so. Madam Pomfrey sat down on the bed next to Sirius, saying to herself, “It’s as bad as I had thought.”

Sirius blinked his eyes open to those words.

“What…do you mean?”

Madam Pomfrey smiled and ran a motherly hand through his hair.

“Nothing, Sirius, except a lot of rest.”

With that, she rose and summoned a few bottles form the table next to the bed. She raised Sirius up propping him up against the many pillows next to him and helped him drink them all. James, Lily and Remus sat silently. Before they knew it, Sirius was asleep again.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own anything, I make no profits.  
> TRIGGERING, TURN AROUND NOW.

Sirius dared not open his eyes. His head was reeling, kept steady only by James’s strong arms. Then, the pain came. Something was placed between his teeth and fiery, excruciating agony followed. He writhed and turned, but was restrained.

Oh! There was so much pain! He couldn't control it. His head banged against the bed repeatedly, his muscles twitched, everything was white and pale yellow. That was all he remembered.

Sirius held on to James as he was made to sit up against the head-rest. He felt numb and his head still ached. There were several tubes running into his arms, each containing a different potion. When he found it safe to open his eyes, he saw James, Remus and Lily sitting beside his bed.

Suddenly feeling weak again, he closed his eyes and murmured, "Morning?"

"How do you feel?" came Lily's voice.

"Like shit," he slurred.

"Appropriate,” James’s voice floated through.

Sirius couldn't stop the engulfing slumber from consuming him.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!" came the muffled cries that were breathed into James’s clothes.

"Okay, okay, okay, breathe, just breathe."

James lay Sirius back down on the bed. The shivering form of his best friend, eyes shut tight in pain and lines creasing his face, made James wonder if they would ever get past these days of hell.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own anything, I make no profits.  
> TRIGGERING, TURN AROUND NOW.

Lily placed a mug of hot, steaming cocoa in front of Sirius and sat down next to him at the bottom of the stairs. He had his back against the wall, limbs shaking, holding onto the cup as though it was the Holy Grail.

Lily looked into Sirius’s tired face, his dishevelled hair and closed eyes. She cupped his face both her hands and spoke gently.

"Sirius, can you tell me what happened? Take your time, darling."

The pale face nodded, but kept his eyes shut. His voice was harsh and raspy.

"I stood in front of the door and stared at it. Something made me. I just stood there and my mind froze. I shifted my weight from my right leg to my left and the other way round again. Gosh, I don't..I don't know how long I was there for, I just....

I just...had to. And then, they came."

His eyes snapped open and his wide, haunted gaze bore into Lily's. His tone wavered, it became more fragile and panicked. In his dark grey eyes, Lily felt as though for a moment, she saw the anarchy that raged within him. It scared her. And then, it was gone.

Sirius’s eyes shone with tears. Lily had to do everything to keep herself from crying.

"They came, Lily," he chocked, his voice full of helpless fear, "I was so, so scared. The black smoke, it curled up, just like it....it did then...I hate it! I hate it!"

Moving the cocoa from his arms, she enveloped his frail form, pressed hard and tried to calm his quaking body.

Softly rocking him, she whispered soothing words of calm. It did not take long for the weight against her to collapse entirely into unconsciousness.

 

* * *

 

Lily snuggled into James’s curled figure.

There was a sort of tension that hung between them.

"Rem is with him tonight," began Lily, but was only hushed by her husband.

James wrapped his arms around his wife and moved in closer. The air seemed sterile.

He looked over her shoulder and stared off into the dim orange glow of the room.

Half-way through the night, in the darkness, James whispered.

"He's not going to be alright, is he?"

There was no response except for the warmth of his wife adjusting to embrace him.

* * *

Sirius leaned heavily against James as the latter helped him cross the room from the bathroom. On reaching the bed, James lowered Sirius into the bed and bundled him up with pillows and blankets. Sirius’s arms lay limply at his side, eyes shut in the effort to stop his head from spinning. James gently helped him half-heartedly take a few sips of water. James let Sirius rest after all the movement. Then he said, “Remember the time Alice wed us in the fifth year?”

A small smile appeared on Sirius’s face. He cracked his eyes open and said, “Pity Lily wasn’t there, she would have been so jealous.”

James chuckled. He stroked Sirius’s hair and kissed him playfully on the forehead while Sirius weakly batted his arm away with shaky hands.

“Good night my icky-wicky Siri!”

Protecting his face from the tyrant that was James, he buried his head in a pillow and groaned, “Fuck off.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own anything, I make no profits.  
> TRIGGERING, TURN AROUND NOW.

“Of course we’ll be alright! It’s just me and Harry! What can possibly go wrong?”

Lily looked at Sirius skeptically. “Just you and Harry? Everything that can go wrong will go wrong!”

Sirius shoved James and Lily out of the living room, through the front door and out of the house. Putting one hand on his hip, brandishing his wand with the other at them, he said, “and don’t come back until you’ve shagged yourself stupid!”

Giggling like young lovers, they turned away and headed out to watch a movie at the local Cinema. Shivering slightly, Sirius walked back into the house, a mischievous smile on his face. Picking Harry up, he asked his wide-eyed godson with a milk bottle in his mouth, “What should we do first, eh?”

* * *

 

Sirius saw the knife blur in his hand. The tomatoes seemed to shift slightly to the left. It was as though the chopping boards was sliding down very slowly. He blinked and unsteadily helped himself to a glass of water. Then, he remembered. He hadn’t taken his meds or eaten till then. He controlled his breathing and moved to the peach blob that he figured was Harry on the kitchen platform. Picking him up, he stumbles through to the living room where the TV was playing a recording of ‘…………………’ On the grey mass, which he deuced to be the sofa, he placed Harry on the safety chair that was seated comfortably opposite the television. Harry squirmed with delight as a ……………….appeared on the television screen and pulled on Sirius’s hair to tell him that the show had begun. Sirius squinted and fumbled with the straps of the safety chair. Sweat had begun to collect in his hair by the time he had managed to strap Harry in. He stuck the bottle of milk that lay next to the seat in Harry’s mouth.

He stared at Harry’s face, which now swam in and out of focus and said urgently, “Harry, Harry, I need you to be a good boy, alright? Uncle Sirius is not feeling very well, okay? I need you to not cry, Harry, can you do that for me?”

Harry stared wide-eyed at Sirius, who was now shaking and didn’t look very well. He sucked at his milk bottle. When Uncle Sirius gave him a milk bottle, it meant he had to behave and watch telly. So, he did.

Sirius stood up with great effort. The buzz in his ears grew louder as the blood left his head with a painful pulse. He clutched the side of his head as the ache intensified and he felt his knees buckle. The grey of the carpet melted in with everything else.

* * *

Lily and James walked into the house, hands entwined. Lily saw the tele on and moved to the sofa, pulling away from James, while the latter hung their coats up. Lily’s panicked voice came from the sofa. Harry was peacefully asleep in his chair, milk bottle rolling on the floor. However, right there was Sirius, sprawled uncomfortably on the carpet, on his side. James wasn’t sure of he was sleeping or….

So, he checked Sirius’s pulse. Suspicion grew to concern when he noticed his pulse weaker than normal. He shook Sirius, but to no avail. Trying again, he slapped him hard. There was no response. Dread filled James’s heart.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own anything, I make no profits.  
> DEFINITELY TRIGGERING, TURN AROUND NOW.

Sirius awoke to the muttering of a familiar voice. 

“Bloody fool, doesn’t know what’s good for himself or for others, should never have grown up in the first place, he should be strapped up in a strait jacket at all times - ”

“Hello to you too, Rem,” Sirius croaked weakly. He closed his eyes to calm his thoughts.

He was greeted by a sharp, painful slap.

“WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING! ANYTHING COULD HAVE HAPPENED, YOU FOOL! HARRY? DID YOU NOT THINK OF HARRY?”

“Rem..I forgot…”

“WHAT? YOU FORGOT TO EAT? FORGOT TO TAKE YOUR MEDS?”

“Well, I was making a sandwich!”

“Well, you were bloody late, is what! OH, YOU WERE MAKING A SANDWICH! IRONIC, IS IT NOT?”

“Is Harry alright, though?”

“IS HARRY ALRIGHT? IS HARRY ALRIGHT? DO YOU FUCKING THINK HE’S ALRIGHT THE LAST THING HE SAW BEFORE HE UNWILLINGLY FELL ASLEEP WAS THE SIGHT OF HIS BELOVED GODFATHER LYING IN A DEATH-TRANCE ON THE FLOOR! DO YOU THINK HE’S OKAY?”

The door burst open. A very tired, worried James ran into the room.

“What is- oh.”

“Hey, James,” whispered Sirius.

Remus stomped to the window, breathing heavily.

“Rem, I think Lily needs some help in the garden.”

Remus looked menacingly at James. Still angry, he stormed out of the room. James shut the door behind him and sat on Sirius’s bed. Sirius had lifted himself up against the headrest and sat cross-legged, staring at his toes. James sighed and said, “You were out for two days, mate.”

“Oh.”

“You didn’t think that’s worth some concern?”

“Humph…”

James felt some amount of dissatisfaction curdle in his stomach. He sighed, looked hard at what was once his best friend. Grasping on to every strand of hope he could find in him, he prayed for the best and decided to act. 

He silently walked out of the room, closing the door softly behind him.

A little part of Sirius sank as he heard James's footsteps walk away.


End file.
